Just Say No — Here’s How and Why

Do you have trouble saying no?

A client told me about a situation in which she couldn’t bring herself to say no. The details are unimportant. We’ve all been there. In the end, she told a “white lie” rather than admit she didn’t want to do a favor for a friend. (A favor which, by the way, in my opinion, was taking unfair advantage of my client.) She asked for my advice after the fact. Here it is:

If you don’t want to do it, just say no.

(Well… what did you think I would say? LOL!)

I know, easier said than done, but important nonetheless.

Here are some good ways to say no:

1. “No.” It’s a complete sentence! This should suffice for people who know you well, and respect you, and probably already understand why you’re saying no. It’s also enough for complete strangers to whom you owe no explanation.
2. “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to do that.” This is less cold (if you consider “No” to be cold), but don’t elaborate. Why not? Because the asker will just want to help you resolve whatever conflict you’ve offered up as an excuse. They’ll try to help you re-schedule, or re-prioritize, or guilt-trip you to the point where you feel you have no choice but to say yes to them. Don’t give them the chance!
3. “Let me think about that and get back to you.” This is my personal favorite. It buys you time to think. If you are tempted to say yes — and maybe you will end up saying yes — there’s usually no reason why you have to say it on the spot. In a quiet moment, ask yourself: Is this something I want to do? Do I want to devote the time/energy/resources this will take? What else will need to be rescheduled? Who else will be affected? What other “costs” are involved? What benefits will there be? IMPORTANT: If you say you’ll get back to them, don’t forget to do it in a timely manner. If you end up saying yes it will be because you have decided you really want to. If you say no, they will understand that you have carefully considered it.
4. “Thank you for thinking of me, but I can’t do it.” This shows appreciation, and still gets you out of it. There are any number of reasons why you might want to say no in addition to simply not wanting to do it, or not having the required time, energy, or resources. Maybe you aren’t the best suited person for the job (and you will be a hero if you can suggest someone else). Or maybe it’s someone else’s responsibility (and doing it for them will only reinforce their irresponsibility or dependence). Again, no need to go into detail.

There are many other ways to say no. Some are nicer and more effective than others. You need to find a way that works for you, that you can remember to use, and that you feel good about using. It’s a skill like any other, so practice saying no!

Why is it so important to learn to say no?

Consider this quote by Dr. Phil McGraw (who has fallen from favor since this post was first written, but who nonetheless made some good points over the years):

We teach people how to treat us.

If you keep saying yes to things you don’t really want to do, people will think you DO want to do them, and they will keep asking you to do more. So don’t be so surprised when that keeps happening to you!

In Living and Working by Design, not by Default I wrote: “Learn how to say no. Say yes to activities and tasks that support your goals and priorities… Keep in mind that every yes is a no to something else.”

Every yes is a no to something else? Like what?

• Time to work on a pet project of your own, or to exercise, or to be with your family.
• Self-esteem and not feeling taken advantage of.
• Having your life arranged the way you want it, not the way someone else wants it.

Stuff like that.

If saying no is still difficult, here are some more ideas for you:

• How to say no to others (and why you shouldn’t feel guilty) — BetterUp article
• This TikTok explains how adding just one more activity or task to your agenda increases the likelihood of affecting multiple other items on your list.
• And here are eighty — count ’em, 80! — more ways to say no: How to Say “No” Politely – 80 Different Ways. Granted, this list is meant for people learning English. And 13 of them are in the “Less Polite” (but not IM-polite) category. So, think of it this way: If these are acceptable for them to use — I mean, no ESL teacher is going to set their students up for failure or embarrassment, are they? — they’re probably polite enough for you to use too.

But what if it’s something you’ve already been doing and want to stop doing?

Take me for example: I once volunteered to be the Secretary of my local Friends of the Library board. The term I signed up for was two years. I knew full well that there were board members who had had been on the board (in various positions) for many years. When my two years were nearly up I reminded them that I was nearly finished and planning to leave. They were so surprised! But I left anyway because I had other things I wanted to do with my time. I continued volunteering on a regular basis, just not on the board. They managed without me.

I have observed many friends and colleagues who feel stuck in positions that they are no longer interested in, but don’t seem to be able to quit. They hate to leave because they care about the group and feel that things will fall through the cracks if they do. Well, they might. But it’s not up to you to spend your life keeping it going. It’s up to you to extricate yourself gracefully by giving plenty of notice, sticking to your guns, and possibly (but not obligatorily) finding someone to replace you.

What do YOU need to say no to?

How do you plan to do it?

Please share with us in the comments!

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• Hazel Thornton is an author, genealogist, and retired home and office organizer.
  
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